A Healthier Life..or Some Cliched Crap Like That

"HEY Y'AAAAAAAALLL!"- Eden Wood 

This is usually the face I make when talking about anything nutrition related.

If you follow me on Facebook or Twitter, then you know I have been trying to be healthier. I'm trying to resist using any of the cliched, tired phrases when describing this because that's just not my style. Yeah, I can be inspirational, but I'm more likely to be sarcastic and slightly inappropriate. 

A lot of people will tell you a really sad story about why they got fat- they ate because they were sad, because their cat died, their parents got divorced, etc. I don't really have a sad story. I got fat because I LOVE FOOD and I hate exercise. Period. More specifically, I love food that is horrible for me. Pretty much the worse the food, the more I love it. And I wasn't the fat girl eating frosting containers at home- I went on food related adventures with my gays and gals in Austin pretty much every weekend (HOWDY Y"ALL!). And it was super fun! I'm not discrediting people who eat when they're sad, but I wasn't a sad, lonely person. In fact, pretty much the more successful and happier I got- the fatter I got. So that kind of blows that theory out of the water. 

As I began to travel a lot for work, I started developing even worse habits. I was going out to eat all the time and pretty restricted out my food choices. And let's be honest- even if I had healthier choices, I wasn't choosing them. I would work 13 hour days and reward myself with a cheeseburger. YUM! I earned it! 

And as for exercise? Non-existent. And if I'm honest, I'll tell you that is still a struggle I'm facing today. But as I started considering the possibility of being a mother at some point and envisioning the life I wanted to have- I knew I wanted it to be a healthier one. I could just see myself being toothless and my child being one of those obese sassy children on Maury who ran a street gang. No siree- not for Baby T-Star! We ALL needed something better. Also, considering my husband is a diabetic, I was being a poor partner and setting a poor example.

I joined Weight Watchers because I needed a portable, systematic way to track my eating. I have developed very poor habits over the years and wasn't thinking at all about WHAT I was putting into my body. Basically- whatever I felt like eating, I ate. And I never felt like eating something good for me. I track my points using the mobile app and I make much smarter food choices. 

The biggest change has been cooking. I now cook CONSTANTLY. Now that my travel has slowed down significantly, I meal plan my ass off. At first, it was a huge pain in the butt and I wanted to die. But lo and behold- I love it. I love cooking. I love menu planning. My husband loves what I cook- and I'm actually kind of good at it. Well, it's just following directions- but it's following them with finesse. 

I am only down thirty one pounds- and I honestly have a lot more to go. The weight is getting harder to lose and I'm losing it a slower pace- but I'm okay with that. More than rapid weight loss, I've learned some great habits. 

I know that some might question the wisdom of being so open about my weight loss. To post my pounds lost, what I'm doing and what I'm eating- it's intimidating. I'm laying probably one of the most intimate parts of my life bare. For me, it's a level of accountability- if all of you know what the hell I'm doing, you can hold me accountable if I slip back into taco mania. More importantly though, I would not have been able to make this transition without the generosity and the openness of others on the world wide internets. ALL of my recipes have come from the web- the generosity of mostly women just like me trying to make better choices for themselves and their families. I am humbled and am forever in their debt. Therefore, if me sharing my stumbles and my wins helps anyone make better choices (or even just make some yummy food), then to me, it's completely worth it. 

Tricia's Not So Expert Tips:

1. I plan our weekly menu on Sunday and compile the shopping list. Make the time in your weekly schedule to do this. There are lots of templates around the web to help you do this and organize this- here's my fellow blogger buddy Shannon's take on meal planning (I love her!)

5. When you grocery shop- go with a list. I was shocked at how much fat and money I was adding to my life by purchasing a lot of snacks/crap. Planning saves you time and money. 

2. Utilize technology! I use my iPhone to track my points and to also set calendar reminders for the recipes I want to make and the items I'll need to de-thaw. Otherwise- I wouldn't remember that shiz. Don't try to remember everything- utilize technology. 

3. I use Weight Watchers and pay for the online service- it's easier for me to keep tabs on everything that way. Don't feel pressured to pay for it though- there are lots of recipe sites around the web that list points and there are sites where you can even calculate your daily points plus target for free. Don't let being on a budget stop you from making great choices. 

4. I am obsessed with Pinterest- and the majority of what I use it for is recipes, meal planning and home DIY projects. It's the easiest way to look for yummy recipes. If you join, then please look for me- I have pinned lots of healthy recipes. 

5. I resisted eating healthy for a long time because I thought I would have to switch to all greens and wheat grass. GROSS! I make delicious comfort food every night for my husband and myself. Cheeseburger and fries casserole, cheesy rice and tortilla crusted tilapia, fruit cobbler- man, the list goes on and on. We can still eat modified versions of our favorites that are great- and take no time at all. Tonight I made a dessert with frozen fruit with lemon cake box mix poured on top of the fruit, topped off with one can of diet cream soda. The result? A delicious cobbler that my husband gobbled up- only 4 points per serving. Amazing! You can do that! 

Want to get a head start? Here are my favorite recipe sites: 

Eat Yourself Skinny

Kelly's Healthified Kitchen

Skinnytaste

Emily Bites

Hungry Girl

Happy cooking and eating- and keep me accountable!

I Love Drag Queens

What's up readers? Today I devote my post to one of my most favorite blessings in the world: drag queens.
Now everyone knows I religiously view RuPaul's Drag Race, but my obsession with drag queens starts waaaaaaaaaaay before the show first started airing. For those of you who live under a rock or are just plain boring, here's what a drag queen is:

"A drag queen is a man who dresses, and usually acts, like a caricature woman often for the purpose of entertaining. There are many kinds of drag artists and they vary greatly, from professionals who have starred in films to people who just try it once. Drag queens also vary by class and culture and can vary even within the same city. Although many drag queens are gay men, there are drag artists of all genders and sexualities who do drag for various reasons or purposes. Women who dress like men for the same purpose are known as drag kings.
Generally, however drag queens are males who dress in a female gender role, often exaggerating certain characteristics (such as make-up and eyelashes) for comic, dramatic or satirical effect. Other drag performers include drag kings, who are women who perform in male roles, faux queens, who are women who dress in an exaggerated style to emulate drag queens and faux kings, who are men who dress to impersonate drag kings.
The term drag queen usually refers to people who dress in drag for the purpose of performing, whether singing or lip-synching, dancing, participating in events such as gay pride parades, drag pageants, or at venues such as cabarets and discotheques. "

Thank you WIKIPEDIA!

My first experience with a drag queen was probably watching the movie "To Wong Foo". I remember being enchanted by the idea that men could be so outrageous- outrageous enough to play with female elements for the purposes of entertainment and being fierce.I loved Patrick Swayzee as the matronly, classy queen- but my favorite was John Leguizamo as Chi Chi! I see you girl! And Miss Noxzeema-werk girl!

I have always been attracted to ANYONE who is confident and fearless. To me, this movie epitomized the sort of fearlesness it takes to live as you wish to live. And who doesn't love the part at the end where the towns people all band together to protect the queens? This is a vision of America I cling to- maybe one day, we will all fiercely protect one of our nation's greatest treasures: drag queens!

My first one on one interaction with a drag queen came when I went to my first gay club with my ex boyfriend Luis (around this time he was making the transition to my gay best friend). I mean, how else should you come out to your ex girlfriend- take her to a drag show! Fabulous.

This was my first drag show and I was entranced. It began with a drag queen nun coming out on roller skates- pregnant. Holy hell, this was for real. Everyone was laughing and she was living it up, speaking in English and Spanish rapidly to me. Was this heaven? Maybe.

I got to hang with a few of the drag queens after the show. They taught me a lot over loud techno Spanish pop. I think the greatest lessons I learned that night though were about fearlessness and being who you are. I learned about tucking, make-up and contouring new body parts. I learned about the art of manipulating people to give you money without having to prostitute yourself! Man, these ladies were amazing.

They gave me a drag name (Miss Tricia Star) and it has stuck ten years later- it's on almost everything I do.

Some people talk about my love of drag queen and gay culture like it's a bad thing. To them, I say- forget you. The world has taught me time and time again that my place- especially as a woman- is to be quiet, take a back seat and just be boring. Dress more "normal". Don't talk so much. Don't talk so dirty- use more appropriate humor! In the company of about eight drag queens, I finally felt completely like myself. For the first time, people weren't telling me to tone it down. I felt completely accepted and loved. Without the queens and my gays, I wouldn't be a shadow of the person I am now.

I often hear drag queen thrown around as an insult. If someone told me I looked like a drag queen, I'd take it as a compliment because this obviously means that I am sickeningly glamorous. Boring people need not apply. 

Maybe you don't like drag queens. Maybe you think they're all fun and games- that's your prerogative. But I dare you to go to a drag show and not smile- and more importantly, not be moved by the artistry and the fearlessness of the queens.

I have been and forever will be a major fan of amazing drag queens. 

Book Review: Bringing Up Bebe

I just finished reading a phenomenal book and I had to share with all my readers (all four of you)! I read an article in the New York Times by this author and I had to pick up the book for myself and see what all the fuss was about. As someone who is beginning to consider the possibility of parenthood, I'm trying to see what it's all about and make some decisions for myself. I was highly interested in the book because it concerned a style of parenting that appears to NOT revolve solely around the children. Naturally this intrigued me.

Picture courtesy of the LA Times

Pamela Druckerman, through a series of events, ends up living in France with her husband and getting pregnant. She then learns through raising her child (and eventually two more) in France that there are some clear distinctions between the middle to upper class American parenting paradigm and the middle to upper class French parenting paradigm.

I want to say a few things up front:

• I'm not a parent
• I'm not a parenting expert
• Paula Druckerman has taken some heat for an article in which she is planning a threesome for her husband (you can read more about it here, but I find it irrelevant to the actual points of the book. If you're super conservative though, this could rub you the wrong way).  She may be a freak-a-leak.
• This post may offend some of you, so if you have very STRONG ideas about parenting and parenting styles, I suggest you stop reading. Or keep reading and just entertain me. Your choice, ultimately.

I can summarize my thoughts in two brief categories:

• Typical American middle class paradigm- The child is the center of your universe. All meals, outings, and social occasions must now revolve around the child. All food should be "child food", all spaces should be littered with child toys. Making a child behave or "fall in line" is "stifling their creativity". Everything your child does is special and wonderful and should be celebrated to the fullest extent. You should "advocate" for your child by immersing and inserting yourself in every area of their life. You should protect and shield your child from all pain, not limited to but including natural consequences such as detentions, failure, etc.The child is the extension of yourself and you should enroll them in every class or opportunity to "accelerate" their development. 

"I'm rethinking this whole parenting thing".

• Typical French middle class paradigm- Children are going to grow up to be people, and as such, must be prepared for the adult world. The parents job is to acculturate the children by maintaining cadre and make sure they can behave and function in a variety of environments. While encouraging them is important, it's also equally important that they learn independence and self-sustaining habits. Parents are still people and still should be respected as such. Children should not interrupt parents mid-conversation because it's disrespectful. Children should be taught to say "Hello" and "Goodbye" to everyone and acknowledge everyone's presence because they are, after all, people.  Toys are kept in kids rooms and the obsession with things like baby proofing, writing a fourteen page birth plan that must be strictly adhered to and reading one hundred baby books are not common. Children will develop when they're supposed to and need time to just be kids- they are not race horses. 

 "I don't want to kill myself because I'm the boss and I can take you in public and eat a meal that isn't chicken nuggets". 

 

Controversial, yes?
It REALLY resonated with me though, and made me a lot more confident about my ability to actually be a parent.

To quote a phenomenal article from the Daily Beast-

"Not only do French women manage to eat pastries without gaining weight, but they also are able to maintain sane adult lives while raising well-adjusted children. Their secret? Unlike their American counterparts, French women are not obsessed with their kids. They don’t lose themselves in parenting. They do not negotiate, tolerate tantrums, provide excessive snacks, or waste weekends shepherding little ones from soccer practice to birthday parties to kiddie discos."

There are several key differences that Druckerman discusses in her book that really hit me hard. 

1. French kids seem to be able to sit still through dinners and nice restaurants- and generally not be holy terrors. There's not a restaurant I go to that doesn't have screaming children running around like crazy. It is almost as if that children run restaurants at this point. I am a firm believer that children need to learn how to fit in with the world and not that the world should revolve around them. Druckerman addresses that the attitude she encounters is that French children need to learn how to adapt and fit into the world. This results in much happier restaurants, family outings and children who can generally function in social situations.


2. French babies, on average, start "doing their nights" at six weeks old. They utilize this brilliant but oh so simple tactic- the pause. The book contains a lot of medical information about newborns' inability to connect their sleep cycles- and how parents are ultimately responsible for helping babies learn that by employing "le pause" and learning to NOT respond every time their kid screams because very quickly, after the brand new baby stage, they are still learning how to stay asleep and can work through it.  Why aren't they going over that stuff in Mommy and Me?

3. French mothers to be are encouraged to be people and maintain their own identity. When you are even considering parenthood in the states you are encouraged to put on 100 plus pounds, not have sex with your partner and generally you are encouraged to be an ogre. It's no wonder that many women such as myself begin to really question whether or not they're cut out for motherhood when the process getting there seems insane.

4. French parents, statistically, are much happier than American parents. On average, American parents report that their quality of life decreased significantly when their children arrived and they spend a disproportionate amount of time worrying, being depressed and spending time doing titillating activities such as watching their kids soccer, cricket, cello, underwater basket weaving, etc. practice. French parents report that they are much more satisfied (on average) and it shows because on average, their kids are much better behaved and calmer.

I realize this is an oversimplification, but I really loved this book. It truly summarized, in so many ways, the type of parent I want to be. I realize that my parents took a more French approach because it's not French- it's just common sense. Common sense that my Nana told me was normal back in her day but seems to have fallen by the wayside. This is not me longing for yesteryear, but I feel that often in our zeal to be the "new, cool generation", we have left behind a lot of the lessons that our grandparents worked hard to teach us. Seeing how much easier it's been for me to function in society than some of my "new age raised" counterparts really has confirmed for me that the approach I will take with my children will probably look radically different than most of what I see- and it will be, surprisingly, with a touch of French flair.

Work/Life Balance is Not Balanced

I've been recently inspired by a number of things that have happened to me to address the issue of work/life balance. I read an article (read it here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/annie-mckee/life-balance_b_1284613.html)  that really nagged at me and got me thinking about a lot of things in my life: my priorities and how I value what matters most to me. You see, a few years ago, what mattered most to me was career and working for the cause I believe in most: educational inequity. Don't get me wrong- it's not like that DOESN'T matter anymore. This is still the cause that I am MOST passionate about. But things have changed for me quite a bit.

I got married. I started venturing out to the world outside of work- and I'm ashamed to say that I liked what I saw and experienced. For so long all I have been is my work and my career and my "cause". My marriage and the experiences I started to have made me question the wisdom of these choices. I'm not going to go all 1950s on you and say that I shouldn't work- I think working is critically important, particularly for women. You need to be making your own money and be able to support yourself- and be proud of what you do. What I began to question is the way I was making work the absolute love of my life. I questioned this more and more as I started to get way more fulfillment out of my personal life, particularly my relationships with my husband, sister and best friends, then I was from work.

Why did that make me feel like sh*t?

We are operating in a warped universe which, in many ways, encourages us to priortize work above all things. Especially in times of a recession, jobs are hard to come by and we're grateful to have one. What this particular article that I referenced earlier really honed in on was though that this idea of work/life balance is whack. You do not need to balance your life with work: they SHOULD NOT HOLD EQUAL WEIGHT. Rather, your life must be balanced within three spheres: spiritually, emotionally and physically. Work should fit into the sphere of those three things. If work begins replacing one of those things, you're screwed though. I see it so much clearer now.

 

Strange suited lady makes weird decisions between a baby, planner and shoes- aspireforsuccess.com

Honestly, I'm proud of what I've accomplished and I wouldn't go back and do everything totally differently. I think moving forward, however, I'm going to make some tough choices. I want to feel good about them though, and it's hard when you're conditioned the way I've been now for the past seven years. I am encouraged by my progress and the love of my friends and family. I honestly want to apologize to all of them. I think of how many friendships I've let lag, how much communication I haven't returned, how many events I've missed and in general how I've prioritized everything else over the relationships that matter most to me. A half assed apology on a blog is not sufficient, but I'm hoping to turn a new leaf.

Ladies- take care of yourselves. I'm grateful to have found a husband who accepted my workaholic ways but encourages me to do better for myself. Do not forgo other amazing life experiences to simply "do more". Nowadays, people do so much that they truly don't "do" much at all.

Keeping it Classy on Social Media

Hello Ladies and Gentlemen!

I'm baaaaaaaaack- and Not Carrie Bradshaw is undergoing a makeover. This is going to be an exclusive ladies advice blog. If you are not a lady- don't fret. Chances are you have ladies in your life you love (your mother? granny?). If you don't, you're probably a misogynist and you should leave immediately- and don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out. 

What better way to rejuvenate Not Carrie Bradshaw than with a quick lesson on how to keep it classy on social media websites!

Social media is EVERYWHERE- and used for pretty much everything at this point. You need to make some calculated choices as to how you are sharing information- and whom you are sharing it to. I don't want to bore everyone with techie speak and how to make stuff private, because quite frankly- that's not sexy. And I'm not that knowledgeable. What I DO want to focus on, however, is the message you're sending.

You may opt out of social media totally, and that's cool. I do think that Facebook, twitter, etc. are a great way to both keep in touch with people and get out your message. I have been able to get MANY things done using social media. Plus, I like to update friends and family on what I'm doing. We've pretty much eliminated the need for high school reuinons- YES!

You may not like my advice and that's cool- but I have a few tips/things to avoid.

**Note: . I made all of these stupid mistakes at one point or another- but ladies of a certain age should know better.

Pictures
Ladies- take a critical look at the pictures you post on Facebook/Twitter/Friendster/Schmoopy/whatever. What do they say about you? I don't want to put anyone on blast, but I hear too often from my lady counterparts that they are "not taken seriously" or "guys think I'm a booty call" or "why does everyone think I'm weird?". While I DON'T think that social media alone is to attribute to this, I DO want you to take a good luck at your pictures and see the type of message you're sending.

This is my favorite- the self portrait-originally coined "The MySpace pose" (wow, I'm getting old).

You will see many incantations of these. My favorite is the one "girl in the mirror":

 

What you think it says: HEY, LOOK AT ME- I'm IN SHAPE and have PERFECT TRIM BANGS.

What it actually says: I'm so desperate I have to take pictures of MYSELF standing in the SAME ROOM I TAKE DUMPS IN. Also, please stare at my chest and my awkwardly placed head. Please pay attention to me or I'll resort to more drastic measures.

You may have met her classier sister: "I am a desperate attention girl masking as a cute indie Zooey Deschanel knock off".

What you think it says: HEY, LOOK AT ME- I'm in my quirky cool bathroom! Robins egg blue is so cool! Look at this cool eyebrow thing I'm doing! I'm not like other girls!

What it actually says: I'm so desperate I have to take pictures of MYSELF standing in the SAME ROOM I TAKE DUMPS IN. I class it up so people don't know how trashy I am. I still take dumps in here- and I'm naked. 

You might also like to post pictures of you and your friends. Yes, our friends are precious. And yes- it's cool that you go out and drink! Most of us drink. Congratulations- you are like approximately 80% of the population. And I know you think it's awesome you get drunk every weekend- hey, you're pushing 30, but you're holding onto youth. That's cool. Do you think we all need to see it? Dang girl- class it up. 

What you think it says: HEY, LOOK AT ME- I'm fearless! I'm independent! Guys think I'm cool! YOu can hang with me! GIRLPOWER4EVA!

What it actually says: I'm so desperate I will get ridiculously drunk and let anyone take my photo. Yes, I am 27- but I pretend I'm 21 to feel alive again. Also, I fell into this urinal after the photo. You should never, ever date me or take me seriously. 

What you think it says: HEY, LOOK AT ME- I have friends and we hang out! They love me! I have important phone calls!

What it actually says: I am drinking at my local suburban pizza joint. It is so boring to hang out with my friends that we spend all of our time on our phones and cameras. I drink long island ice teas to dampen my pain.

You had a SEXY HALLOWEEN costume? That's really cool. I mean- most girls do that now, but I'm sure yours was really originally skanky. 

What you think it says: HEY, LOOK AT ME- I am a cute little girl! I'll tell you how to get to Sesame Street! Tickle me!

What it actually says: I'm 26, single and desperate to get attention- so much so that I'll defile a beloved character from a highly educational show in the hopes that you will have secret sex with me and never call me back.  

What pictures should you post?

• Ones that feature you with other people, having a good time. 
• Your boobies don't need to be hanging out. 
• Your mouth doesn't need to be making an "OH" or kissy face. 
• You should not be in your bathroom, bedroom, kitchen or a urinal.

Status Updates
Status updates are a GREAT WAY to let people know what's up. I also like to repost my favorite videos, ideas, etc. Status updates are also a really great way to send a BAD message.

• Keep gushy/lovey dovey crap down to a minimum. Listen, I'm happily married- I get it. Occasionally I'll post something sweet. But that guy you've been dating for two weeks? Keep it to a minimum. You'll regret it later when you break up. And if you want to tell him you're going to paint every cotton candy cloud in the sky and bedazzle it for him, that's fine- tell him in person. 
• Cryptic song quotes are okay-occasionally. Too much of it can make you look like a poor man's Sylvia Plath. 
• Trite quotes about friendship, love, etc.- snoooooooze. "That which doesn't kill you makes you stronger!"- really? Okay. In small doses. 
• "DRUNK AT DA BAR", "Getting crazy with my girls!", etc.- to be used SPARINGLY. Does everyone need to know? 
• Do not post every video of every song/rap/dance/etc. you come across on YouTube. Choose sparingly. YouTube is accessible for all, and we really don't need to see the "Who Let the Dogs Out?" video again. Once was enough.

This all may seem trivial to you ladies and gents, but remember that you are constantly sending messages about who you are and what you value. In the age of the internet, be mindful of what that message might be. Those goes TRIPLE for folks who are looking for boyfriends, girlfriends, wives, husbands or new careers.

What tips do you have for using social media? 

The Break Up

In the midst of packing up one's life to prepare for a new one in a new city, you spend a lot of time packing. I really do hate packing- I mean, who the hell doesn't? But one thing I do not like about packing is reminiscing and thinking about what you're leaving behind.

It's inevitable, even if you are moving on to something awesome (which I am), you are always a little wistful. As I pack up our Austin life, I am just a little sad to think of all of the amazing moments we've had here: all of the brunches, outings with friends and sweet, tender moments. I also can't help but think of all of the not-so-great moments and things I'd rather forget. That's the thing about homes. They keep all of our secrets. They know all of our deepest, darkest shiz and our secret alone behavior- like popping our pimples. I digress.

I've had some really awful breakups (see previous entries of this blog), but there's a unique kind of pain that comes from a friend breakup. As women, there is a special bond we share with our female friends. And myself, as a woman who quite frankly isn't that emotionally available, I make few very close female friends. And in the past few months I've had a breakup of epic proportions.

It started out the way most major breakups do: you notice that things have changed but work really hard to try to overcompensate for what doesn't appear to be working anymore. You start feeling a lot of secret annoyances that you don't voice to your companion. You begin to feel that the work it is taking to stay in the relationship far outweighs the happy times, which you now find are few and far between. The worst part is, if this were a romantic relationship, you'd go talk to your best friend. But when it's your best friend with whom your relationship is failing, you feel a deep sense of loneliness that words seem pretty cheap to describe.

The quintessential question I find myself dealing with in adulthood is this: when is it justified to break up with a friend? When is breaking up just leaving someone you love in the dust, and when is it doing the right thing? 

I could go over the scores of evidence I have that justifies my break up, but rehashing it here honestly just makes my head and heart hurt more. She hurt me in ways that I haven't been hurt since my awful relationships of yesteryear. But I have also shared with her things that I have only felt comfortable sharing with my sister and my mother. In my professional life, I could easily solve this with a simple pro/con list or a chat with my manager, but matters of the heart for me are infinitely more complicated. Maybe this is why I tend to rock at work but suck a little bit at life- who's with me?

I am probably looking for an easy answer for which there truly is none. Perhaps we all share blame in this situation: me for not saying something sooner, her for letting me go so easily. In life though, I've learned when you play the blame game, there's always enough to go around. Is it more important sometimes to be right or to practice forgiveness? How many times do you need to get burned before you quit?

I found myself today wanting desperately to see her, to talk to her and to share one last moment before I leave this place. I'm probably being completely overdramatic since I'm only moving to San Antonio, a mere hour and forty five minutes away, but it's more than me leaving this geographical location. It's that she lives a mile away from me, and leaving here means, at least in my mind, that what we had is truly done. Maybe I'm looking for an answer I'm not going to get.

There are few things worse than a friend breakup.

To clarify, however, I am NOT breaking up with Austin. We were exclusive lovers and now we're amicably parting as friends. 

And then, this city. I will resist any "Austin done me wrong" sentiments and say that it has been a pleasure living here, but for the most part, I am ready for something new. Austin is truly fantastic, but for me, some of the glitter and magic is gone. It is time for someplace new- a place that is filled with more economic and cultural promise for my husband and myself. I relish all of the lessons I've learned here, but truly Austin's best asset is it's people. Yes, there are lots of fun clubs, bars and interesting "indie" crap to partake in (note my sarcasm), but I have met what I consider to be the salt of the earth. Is it worth the ridiculous cost of living and "we are the coolest ever" attitude? To me, not really so much anymore. What will always be worth it to me is the people I have loved. The remote, beautiful spot in the hill country my husband and I exchanged our vows and became husband and wife. And my friends who are like family- and my family who are the best friends I could ever ask for.

What's In Your Community?

So, as previously mentioned, my husband and I are starting a book study. In a quest to try to be thrifty, I first went to Half Price Books to find a copy of the book used. That was fruitless. I then remembered this magical place....the public library.

Weeeeee! Checking out books is FUN!

 My history with libraries has been spotty at best. Pretty much the only time I've frequented them in the past ten years is when I had a research project in college, and even then, I'd ALWAYS keep the books too long and end up owing a bunch of fines. I'm pretty sure they have my picture hanging in the downtown Austin library with a  warning and some expletives. But I digress...

One of the cool things about living in a community is access to community resources. I decided to join my local library. It's no downtown Austin library, but it's cute, easily accessible and 100% FREE. It's about damn time I started taking advantage of my local resources.

I also joined the local recreation center. While it doesn't have as many amenities as a local YMCA, it's still awesome and a bargain at about 11 bucks a month. All I want to do is the treadmills and the machines anyway, and the best part is if you can get a buddy to join with you, it's even cheaper. Hell yeah!

Enjoy the simple pleasures in life and take advantage of the tax dollars you pay. Find out what local resources you have in your community and see what you can get for free or damn close to it!

Depression Help

Honesty time! I have been wafting in and out of a semi-depressive state. It's nothing major, but it's enough that I noticed I needed to do something about it. Depression is such an American affliction- it seems as if everyone I talk to struggles with, in some form, bouts of depression. I think the most important, yet hardest thing to do is to remind yourself that it is not a permanent state. Perspective is reality, but that is the last thing you honestly want to hear when you are depressed.

If you're like me, however, you want some things you can do that are cheap and easily accesible. I came across this article that perfectly summarizes how I've been dealing with my blues. This is not to say that some folks don't really need medication, and if your depression is constant, please seek medical attention. Here are some tips though for "the occasional" blues:

8 Inexpensive Depression Remedies

 

Seeking natural depression remedies can save you money and give you control over your moods. Try these low-cost approaches to beating the blues.

 

By Madeline Vann, MPH

 

Medically reviewed by Pat F. Bass III, MD, MPH

 

 

Here are some down-to-earth ways to seek help for depression (from Everyday Health).

 

• Talk to a friend. Social isolation — real or perceived — is a risk factor for depression. This is particularly true as we age and lose many of the opportunities for socializing that come with taking classes, going to work, or shuttling children to and from their activities. A recent study of 378 adults showed that, especially for women, believing that you have friends you can turn to may help prevent adult depression. So if you feel depression creeping in, reaching out to a friend or close relative may provide help for depression and stave off the blues.

• Get moving. Start an exercise routine to get help for depression. Walking, lifting weights, swimming, dancing — it’s up to you. There are a number of benefits to getting out and getting moving if you feel depression coming on. A recent study of 202 adults with major depressive disorder compared the use of antidepressants with a regular program of aerobic exercise and found that after four months, exercise is just as effective as medication in treating depression. The key is a consistent, regular exercise program. Even more benefits await you: You may lose weight, look better, and improve your overall health.

• Explore your faith. Among natural depression remedies, attending faith-based events once a week or more is linked to a lower risk of depression symptoms in adults, especially as we age. If you have not been involved in a faith community, this may be a good time to find one that suits your beliefs. If you already belong to a congregation, consider attending services more regularly. Faith participation has the added benefit of helping to build your social network, which in turn will provide help for depression. There is also some evidence that regular prayer helps with depression symptoms.

• Relax. Learning how to meditate and developing a regular meditation practice may help you control stress and cut back on your risk of depression. Compassion-based meditation, which encourages you to meditate on the challenges faced by others (rather than your own situation), could be particularly beneficial. In other studies, simply learning how to progressively relax your muscles has been shown to help.

• Play with a pet. Having a pet around may be a way to ease depression symptoms. When you’re down, try spending some quality time with your cat or dog. Pets offer owners a number of benefits — they provide unconditional love, get you out and about, and may increase opportunities for socializing.

• Laugh. If you can find a funny movie, sitcom, or friend to stimulate some chuckles, you could ease some of the depression symptoms that trouble you.

• Sing. Joining a singing group may give you both a social outlet and an experience with music that can lift your mood. If you don’t feel like singing with others, try just singing your favorite tunes in the shower or in the car.

• Don’t indulge in alcohol. Here’s a way to save some money on depression treatment: Don’t buy illegal drugs or alcohol to self-treat depression. Many people use these substances to ease their down moods, but this can actually make depression worse, plus they are often expensive.

While these strategies may help you feel better and improve your mood, there are times when depression is severe and requires clinical treatment. If you’ve tried these strategies and still experience depression symptoms or if you simply cannot work up the energy to try even one strategy, you should schedule a visit to your doctor for depression screening.

 

Studies have shown that taking some positive action does more to alleviate depression than doing nothing, even though nothing may be exactly what you want to do right now. Why not pick a strategy and get started?

 

 

 

Dirty Little Secret

Be forewarned: this post is about babies. I know what some of you are thinking: EW, GROSS! The rest of you are cooing and awing. I am somewhere in between.

For many reasons, motherhood is such a maligned topic amongst women. I find women, in general, to be very judge-y of each other, particularly where motherhood is concerned. The realities of the female experience have changed since our grandmas. Most families need two incomes to make it work, and the nuances and challenges of mommyhood are probably more complex today than they've ever been. With these complexities, however, come a rich experience.

I find myself not sure of where I stand on the topic. Like most modern women my age, I mostly think about how a baby would ruin my life. I know that's an awful thing to say, but I have been conditioned for YEARS to believe that motherhood will ruin me: it will wreck my finances, my love life, my vagina and my career. My head has been FILLED with images of what mothers "should" be like, and I know I will never be like most of the popular incantations of mothers I've seen over the course of my life. Not to mention that people are financially punished in this country for having children..but I digress.

I have talked to one of my good friends who has recently become a mom.  I trusted her to give me the shit straight: don't tell me any of the daisies and hearts crap, give it to me straight: did you ever feel ready to be a mom? And on some days, don't you really f-ing hate it?


She said, in all honesty, she never felt 100% ready. That there were days when she was pregnant where she thought "Oh HELL, what am I doing? GET IT OUT!". That there are awful days where she reconsiders her choice. That she never feels 100% effective.

That begs the question: why would you DO THIS to yourself willingly?

Every mom has a different answer, I'm sure. The reassuring thing is that there's this dirty little secret amongst mothers: they're discouraged from really shooting the shit and talking about the realities of raising children. I believe the reason why SO MANY women end up disillusioned with the whole kitten caboodle is because women are supposed to be these superwomen who can do everything. We're supposed to be BORN with the innate mothering skills. While I believe that women are born biologically with some qualities, I can honestly say that I don't KNOW how to haul around a car seat. And I don't KNOW the ten thousand things I'm supposed to avoid that can kill a baby. Heck, I'm still scared of newborns: I want to put them in helmets so I don't damage their smooshy baby brains.

How will I know when and if I'm ready? I don't know. Most of the time, I dread motherhood and have nightmares about it. And I know everyone says it's because I'm so young and that this will change, but I also think that's a nice way to invalidate peoples' feelings. Right now, my reality about motherhood is $*($*_#(??? I just don't know HOW people make the jump.

I say we should all discuss the dirty little secret. Let's start being more real about the challenges and beauty of motherhood. Please, stop being so mother-effing judge-y of moms and the decisions they make. And please, don't judge me when I don't immediately "ooooh" and "aahhh" over your toddler's latest finger painting. I'm getting there...

Thank You for Being a Friend

Sorry for the tardiness of this blog. I know all ten of you reading this are desperate! 

In a week's span, my universe was rocked. It's been a bad week to be a sassy lady. Both my Mimi (my mom's mom) and Rue McClanahan (Blanche Devereaux) passed away.

Obviously, I am not intimately close with Rue, but she was a formative part of my life. She was a Samantha before it was chic to be. She helped to show the world that women get more fabulous and sassy with age. As a child, she actually had me looking forward to being old. If being old is living in a bad ass house in Miami, kicking it with my friends and chilling with hot men folk, sign me up!

My Mimi taught me, from a young age, that knowledge is power. She didn't have a formal college education but she was well read. Now Donna Reed, Mimi was not. She used to have awesome comebacks and a sharp wit- she had a response for everything and could go toe to toe with any man. She taught me that Elvis was the King and was to be respected, and dancing was mandatory. Arguably, one of the most important lessons she taught me through her life and in her death that good friends are critical.

You see, like Blanche and Carrie Bradshaw, Mimi had her best friends. She actually kept these friends throughout her entire life. They used to have sleepovers, sneak out of the house and cruise for guys together. They saw each other through marriages, divorces, children and cheating men. Some of my most vivid memories are of Mimi sitting with her friends, drinking Sonic drinks and shooting the shit. The husbands knew that they were life long friends. Hell, they didn't even try to interfere.

Here's Mimi and one of her besties Sandy undoubtedly planning mayhem.

At her funeral, there they were: all sitting together, laughing and crying as we shared memories of Mimi. Mimi had a rich life as a grandma and mom, but another one of her most cherished roles was friend. In fact, a few days before she died, she was yelling out and calling for none other than Patsy, one of her best friends. That truly touched me.

Rue and Mimi knew that things in life come and go, but nothing replaces a true friend. They're few and far between. We have so many superficial friendships in our modern world, but I know my besties would feed me in the nursing home as I watched Patsy do for my Mimi.

Mimi was the one who introduced me to the Golden Girls. We used to watch it weekly as we ate grilled cheese sandwiches and she enjoyed her cigarettes. We both fell in love with the show, and it makes sense why she converted me to be a religious fan. 

Do not underestimate the role of your besties. Our family is important, but our friends are the family we choose. Choose well and it will pay in dividends.

Ladies-Stop Lying

The other day, one of my colleagues (we'll call her Linda) was asked by a fellow female (Tina) to "gauge" a man's interest in her. So Linda was supposed to go and talk to the man to get a "feel" on whether or not he was interested in Tina. How many times have we been sent on that mission?

She comes back and says something to appease her: that he thinks she's sweet but he's really busy, blah blah blah. After the fellow female left,

I asked my collleague: "What did he really say?".

She said somewhat sadly "He didn't even really know who she was".

"So, why did you lie?"

"I didn't want to hurt her feelings".

So, today's question is: why do we do this?

I know the responses: to protect peoples' feelings, to make them feel better, to preserve our friendships, etc. But why is it that women are more prone to do this? Why are we so dishonest with each other in the matters of love and life?

I've spent a lot of time with men folk, gay and straight, and what always struck me was how HONEST they were with each other. Granted, this courtesy isn't often extended to women, but men are more prone to tell each other like it is. I realized this a few years ago during a time of awful heartache, and I took a vow to be more honest in general, even when it wasn't convenient.

How many times have we overheard conversations like these?

"Well, he really likes you, he's probably just scared of comitting to you."

"You're right, you SHOULD quit your job to move to be closer to him! Once he sees how much you love him he'll get serious about the relationship."

"He's GOING to propose! Just give him an ultamatum!"

These are all, in one form or another lies.

I have gotten in a lot of trouble for being a little "bitchy". I try to be as honest as I can, particularly with ladies. My best friends know this, but it's a little unsettling sometimes when I share my opinion. I try my best to not share it unsolicited, but when asked, I think that it's important to tell the truth as tactfully as possible.

One of the clearest examples of this is with my best friend. She was dating a person that I knew, in my heart of hearts, was not right for her. I tried the thing where I "waited it out", hoping they would break up, praying that she would see him for what I believed he was. It didn't happen.

I made the bold choice to tell her how I felt. This friendship of pretending and lying wasn't working out for me. I figured that I would share my opinion with her once and tell the truth, softening the blow as best as I could. It was a choice that changed the trajectory of our friendship.

I told her how much I loved her and cared for her, but I would be remiss if I didn't at least once share what I thought and felt. I said "I will only tell you this once, and you can do with this what you will". I proceeded to share what I saw: her and her boyfriend having public fights, her constant dissatisfaction with him, his lying, his cheating, etc. I emphasized that she would always be my best friend, but I couldn't live with myself if I didn't at least once share what I believed to be the truth.

Of course she was upset with me and didn't understand how or why I felt this way. After our conversation, I felt freaking awful. Why the hell did I do that? We didn't talk for a while.

Slowly but surely, we rebuilt our friendship. And then, as unfortunately predicted, he turned out to be exactly what I thought he was: a piece of shit. Now our friendship is stronger than ever. She admitted to me that as much as she hated the conversation we had at the time, she is greatly appreciative that I leveled with her because though she was unreceptive to them at the time, they helped to give her the strength to finally leave that awful relationship.

Ladies and gays- we need to stop lying. You don't need to say "HELL NO, what a DUMB ASS CHOICE!", but you need to respectfully level with your friends when they're asking your opinion. You shouldn't stop being friends with them, but you don't need to pretend that everything they're doing is awesome.

The best relationships, friendship or otherwise, are grounded in truth. Conflict, disagreement, fighting: these can be things that rip our relationships apart or we can use them to solidify our relationships. Instead of one-dimensional relationships, let's aim to have beautiful, complex, multi-faceted relationships with our best bitches and gays that help us grow, challenge us and most of all, make us laugh.

I'll drink to that.

My Visit to the Trinity Broadcasting Network

A few years ago, my sister and some of my best friends made a little trip out to Los Angeles to see the Spice Girls Reunion tour. I LOVE me some trashy pop music, and it seemed like the perfect occasion to commemorate my sister's birthday.
Those who know me know I have a fascination with modern Christianity and it's various incantantions. Perhaps it's my fundamentalist Church of Christ upbringing, but I grew up studying the bible and learning about this "Jesus" everyone spoke of. Interestingly enough, the Jesus everyone spoke of and the one I read about in the bible seemed to be at total odds with each other.

Who was this Italian supermodel looking guy, and what the hell did he have to do with this cool, righteous hippie dude who advocated for the poor and spent a lot of time hanging out with prostitutes that I read about in my bible?


See, this "Jesus", this popular media "Jesus", loves Wal-Mart, making money, he blesses the rich, he loves Americans most and things poor people are stupid and lazy. I don't know this "Jesus" really. I've been taught about this "Jesus" most of my life, but I've also been taught about Jesus: the ultimate hippie and greatest advocate for those whom society deems worthless.


I digress. Given my fascination with Jesus and "Jesus", I decided this would be the perfect opportunity to visit the Trinity Broadcasting Network. What's the Trinity Broadcasting Network? You know...the Christian TV network. Here, let me show you some images you might recognize...

Jan Crouch, co-founder. You will often see her in a big pink wig and crying...a lot. Loves her bible, Armani and drag queen makeup. Not to be confused with Tammy Faye, who was awesome.

This is the TBN Logo. You'll see it in the bottom right hand corner during programming.

Paul and Jan Crouch...co-founders of TBN.










I knew that Trinity Broadcasting Network's WORLD HEADQUARTERS was in Costa Mesa, CA, which is right outside of Los Angeles. I'd tried to visit before with my buddy Thomas, but it was closed. Do you think I was going to let this opportunity pass me up? Heck no. Everyone was on board with my mission: infiltrate TBN.


We drove out to the headquarters and we had a sort of nervous anticipation the whole time. This was like a dream of mine realized. We were already going over our game plan in the car: act like we love TBN, act like we love the prosperity gospel, DO NOT look suspicious. I had no idea how difficult this was prove to be.


Once we arrived, we already started guffawing. Huge golden gates opened, like the doors of some sort of consumerist Heaven, and immediately welcoming us was a statue of a man on a horse. Upon closer examination, maybe this was supposed to be Jesus on his horse? Weirdly enough, he was carrying a sword, because we all know Jesus frequently carried swords and cut people's heads off.


Also welcoming us was a security car. I found this to be very odd at TBN: they're very nice and welcoming to visitors, but there are little signs all around that seem to say "don't eff with us". More on that later.

We walked across the grounds, which included columns, a gold plated fountain, and impeccable landscaping. It looked like a palace. From what I can infer, I believe that the TBN people believe Jesus preferred Greco-Roman architecture..and gold. As we were entering, we noticed a bus full of people from a church. Excellent! We thought we could just blend in with the church goers from Bible Church USA from Missouri. We asked if we could accompany them on their tour and they enthusiastically agreed yes. TBN away!


The security guard was the one giving us the tour (again: don't eff with us). As we walked around to various locations, there were gold signs hung everywhere that informed visitors that if they caused a disturbance, they'd be prosecuted. Beautiful signs, but the message is clear. They have an open door policy, but they will toss you out on your ass if you attempt to tell them that Jesus does not prefer gold plated bathrooms (I wish I was kidding but I'm not. It was the most pristine expensive bathroom I've peed in).


One of the first places we went to was the hallways and museum rooms where many TBN relics are kept. They display all the costumes from their various bible movies. It's really creepy. You're walking and it's like "OH! There's a Mary costume", and it's just floating in a glass display case. The security guard took great care to explain to us where the costumes were from, and he was very open to questions. I was trying not to openly guffaw, and my friend Beth was having the worst time, being a little new to old timey Christian fundamentalism.


We then walked through the "Via Delarosa", which is supposed to be a recreation of the path Jesus walked when he was crucified. It was done beautifully and was low lit with creepy lighting, while this haunting song called "Via Delarosa" played witha woman wailing about Jesus' last walk. Perhaps I would have been more moved had I not found the whole thing so gaudy and distasteful. The worst was yet to come, because the end of the "Via Delarosa" lands you smack..in a theater. Because naturally, before Jesus was crucified, he watched a film about the beginnings of TBN.


During this film was when Beth and I nearly lost it. Paul Crouch was on the screen, excitedly exclaming that "The LORD spoke to him!". I was intrigued: what did the Lord say? And Paul shouts "The LORD said, 'Paul, get a SATELLITE!". This was when Beth lost it. "WHAT THE HELL? God speaks to him and all he says is GET A SATELLITE?". She was angrily whispering. I knew she was reaching her limit of TBN-ness. I urged her to hold on, that my fact finding mission was almost complete. The film then went on to talk about how it was God's will that TBN was created, and that everything they did was to the glory of God. They said this while they sat in their gold upholstered chairs and Jan flitted about in her big pink wig, stroking an animal of some sort. Kill. Me. Now.


Horror really hit home to me when we were taken to this room. It's a praying room of sorts. It's covered in gold and rich tapestries, and there are gold pillows to kneel on. There are little altar looking things, and on each one is a stack of letters. These letters and emails are from faithful TBN viewers. We were encouraged to kneel in front of the letters, to look at them and to pray for the people. Of course, included with these letters were explanations and donations. I felt the nauseous. I kneeled in front of a particular spot and caught a glimpse of a letter from an elderly woman suffering from cancer. She explained that she was sending TBN her entire social security check because she knew that God would bless her if she blessed TBN, but she didn't know where her next meal or medications were coming from. That is when the rage towards TBN started to simmer beyond belief. These fools are criminals.


After this room, we were shown the sets of several popular TV shows. My sister was gutsy and actually sat on the chair that Kirk Cameron often sits on when he does his weird TBN show. This provided some comic relief to an awful day. Remember Kirk Cameron from Growing Pains? Yeah, now he's on the TBN payroll.


I saw the Bistro (Capuccino, anyone?) and the Gold, Frankencense and Myrrh Gift Shop (favorite item: porcleain angels to "bring me blessings"). I was also instructed to a kiosk of pamphlets, one of which was a pamphlet instructing me on how to include TBN in my will. Paul assures you that they have lawyers on staff at TBN who can help me in this process. Because why the hell would my family need the money, JAN CROUCH NEEDS A NEW WIG!


The real piece de resistance came when we were taken to yet another theater and told we were going to watch a full length movie. This movie was supposed to be about the end of times, and to essentially summarize, they believe that the UN is evil and will make a world order that will kill all of us. I know I'm simplifying the plot, but essentially, that's the movie.


The whole experience was so creepy. My time at TBN made me feel sick. The air was filled with something palpable and awful. I volleyed between trying to conceal laughter, trying not to cry and being filled with rage. I encourage all of you take a little visit out to TBN so you can see the Christian fundamentalist money machine at it's finest.

Of all the things Americans get worked up about, why aren't more people enraged about this?

How Will I Know?

Welcome friends. Take a look at my friend here Whitney. This is pre-crack, obviously. She has that "my career is going places and I'm not self destructing" glow. In this eighties-tastic video tinged with lame and fuschia, she asks the age old question: "How will I know"? And it's a valid one. How do we know when the person we've found is "the one"? How do we know the relationships we have, be they friendships or otherwise, are emotionally intimate? I'm not just talking romantic here, people. How do we know if they really love us? Don't "say a prayer with every heartbeat" yall...just take control and read my blog. 

My answer to this question is not simple. Instead, it's a little complicated, like most things worth talking about are. But to understand my answer to this question, you have to know a little about me. 

In 2004 I was diagnosed with a very rare form of cancer. An abnormal growth was found on my breast. I was so young, so naive and so incredibly crushed. When I started treatment, I was already very ill. I was severely anemic, my hair was falling out and I was an all around hot mess. I had to go through treatment that was NOT fabulous. In fact, instead of the curvaceous hot diva you see today, I more closely resembled this guy. 

 Those of you with a sense of humor are laughing your assess of right now. And my few sensitive readers are probably horrified and are immediately trying to shut down their screens. PLEASE DON'T! It is OKAY TO LAUGH! I have no reverence, remember? 


Anyhow, the whole experience, plus a few shitty relationships, left me pretty jaded about life and love. I mean, it's really difficult to trust anyone to really love you when you know your body has the potential to turn you into Gollum. It's not very comforting. 


So, how did I know that my husband CJ was the right one for me? I'll tell you straight up: I did not think we would ever get married when we initially met. As I said in our vows, I thought he was a dork. I still do. And as most people do, I had lists of what I initially thought were MUST HAVES: "hot eyes", "cool car", etc. Don't hate, I know you have them too. For so long, women and men have been told WHAT should be important to them by corporations and companies. Why do you think makeup and personal care is now a bajillion dollar industry for men and women? At any rate, CJ had never been soldified in my mind as marriage material. I mean, where was his bad ass car? Where was his six pack? 


There were some things that changed my mind. CJ was my friend while I was going through treatment. He saw me at what was my absolute lowest point. He helped me off the floor as I threw up in his toilet. He brought me ice chips to chew on. He did this all as a friend. And it was starting to dawn on me that hey, my friend CJ is really nice. But still, nothing really sank in.


I could feel myself slowly but surely starting to fall in love with him. I'd constantly warn him, though, as is my self destructive nature sometimes, that he should just stop loving me. I mean, he claimed he fell in love with me the moment he saw me when we were fourteen. What sort of douchebag says something like that and means it? My hardened heart didn't believe a word he said. But I noticed that post treatment, post cancer...he still treated me like the sexiest woman in the world. What? But I looked like Gollum! A vomiting Gollum!


When I could feel that this was headed down serious lane, I told him that I didn't think that marrying me was a great idea. I had baggage. I mean, we all do, but I had the life threatening kind. I told him that with my type of cancer, the chances of it coming back are incredibly high. I didn't know what kind of life I could promise him. I didn't know (and still don't know) if I could ever have children. I have mushy spots on my hips and scars all over my body from needles and scaples and gross medical horrors. I told him I often felt like a one woman medical freakshow. He was better off finding someone else. 


He took my hands and proceeded to have a two hour conversation that changed my life. 


He held my face and told me that he loved me. He'd seen it. He knew better than anyone else what being with me meant. He held my hand while I vomited and shook. He'd seen every scar on my body and it was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen in his life. That he wanted any and all of me for as long as I'd let him have me. That he'd change my Depends diapers and clean up my diarrhea if need be, and all the while maintain that I was the sexiest thing that ever lived. Because he loved me. 

Did I test that theory? Absolutely. I may not have shit all over my house, but in more ways than one, CJ had to help me through a few health scares. And he never left my side..not for one second. 


CJ made a believer out of me. A few months later, I agreed to marry him. 


Every action he's taken has been consistent with this mindset. There is nothing I can do to disgust my husband..Believe me, I've tried. 


Which brings me back to my original point: how will you know? 


Choose the person (people) who will love you when you're Gollum. You don't know what tomorrow holds. One day, you will be old and crusty. You might have dementia. You might need to be changed. Is the person you're choosing love you with the depth it's going to take to love you through your worst? 

I am sad for people that feel scared that their mate won't love them if they "stop looking hot" or "don't wax". Are they for real? What happens if you get cancer, and unlike me, you do have to remove your titty? You're going to have a hard time convincing Mr./ Ms. Don't Fart, Pee or Be Unwaxed In Front of Me to stick around.
This was the kind of love our grandparents told us we should look for.
They might be hot, but will they change your adult diapers? That is the question we must all ask ourselves. 

DON'T DATE HIM!

Recently I have been watching one of my best friends in the world go through an incredibly painful breakup. I don't need to share with you all of the salacious details, but let's just say this was a breakup for the record books. Any type of infidelity you can think of, this loser committed. And the worst part was, they were (in my friend's mind) on the fast track to marriage.


Of course, when a relationship ends, you do a lot of soul searching and, most importantly, dissecting. Like the jacked up frog in my 8th grade science class whose intestines I smeared around, I enjoy viewing the anatomy of a relationship. Particularly because I have extensive experience with my own jacked up relationships (but that's another post).


From this experience, I have generated a list of qualities from my exes, my friends exes and random idiots that, if you see any signs of, run. Run fast. Think of this as your dating "do not fly" list. If a guy you're dating has ANY OF THESE QUALITIES, I strongly recommend a conference over Mexican Martinis or Margaritas with your ladies. They'll set your shit straight (lovingly).

1. He is Uncomfortable with Gay People- Oh ladies, when will we learn? If you're a modern, progressive woman such as myself, you know that your dream man has to love your gays. I always knew the man I'd marry would LURVE my gays and be cool rockin' out in the gay club with me. My heinous ex said he was cool, but he'd make backhanded insults about the gays. What? All of my ladies surveyed said their douchebag had some sort of issue with gay people. Please, respect your gay army of followers and DON'T BRING HIM AROUND. 


2. He Makes Hyper Critical Comments About Women's Bodies- Every man has their preference..this we know. But when a man is hyper critical about ladies, you know to run away. My BFF's loser ex always made weird comments about vaginas and how they shouldn't be so "stinky" or "hairy". WTF? Ladies, DO NOT put up with a man who doesn't love every inch of you. Men SHOULD NOT be constantly voicing how attractive or heinous other ladies are, particularly to you. This is a warning sign. 
  
3. He Won't Go Down On You- It is a truth universally acknowledged that men who don't go downtown on you FREQUENTLY and without reservation are, in fact, douches. I mean seriously. And if you're thinking, "I don't like it when guys go down on me..", it's because it hasn't been done right. 
  

4. He Hates His Mom- I don't expect that we all have perfect relationships with our parents. I sure as hell don't. But if he voices frequent disrespect for Moms, Grandmas, etc., and acts on those at family functions, run away. Please. This is an indication of how he feels about women in general, and until he gets some serious therapy, he is no good for you girl. 
  

5. He is Constantly Fantasizing But Disconnected From Reality- Ah, Mr. Dreamy. He likes to live in dreamland. He likes to let you carry on in fantasy and talk about "when he becomes a millionaire", or "when he becomes a surgeon", or "when he stops cheating". Yet the thing about Mr. Dreamy is that he never talks about how he'll get there. It's all fantasy. It's good to have dreams, but the guy who can never cite his current accomplishments isn't ready for a treasure such as yourself. 
  

6. You Can't Fart in Front of Him- Now, many will disagree with me, but the fart test is CRITICAL. Too many men have jacked up views on women: we don't poop, fart, vomit, etc. Um, HELLO? What are you going to do when you're married to this asshole and you can't even joyously fart after an awesome burrito? Is this the kind of life you want? My advice is to FART early on. You don't have to fart daily, but throw out that fart test and gauge his reaction. Report back to me. 
  

7. He is Weirdly Obsessed with Material Items/Pets/Etc.- We've all had that boyfriend who was weirdly obsessed with his car or his Star Wars collection..so much so that he spent more time doting on that then he ever did on us. At first it was endearing. Then it got annoying. Take a hint from my ex, who spent hours hand washing his car but absolutely refused to spend any time or effort on our relationship: get out!


 8. You Can't Have "The Conversation" With Him- It saddens me to see ladies of my generation all too eager to have sex with men but incredibly reticent to have "the conversation" with them. So let me get this straight: you're going to let yourself be vulnerable to all his STDs, but you won't talk to him?  If you can't even have the conversation about whether or not you're monogamous, poly-amorous or whatever the hell you want to be, what makes you THINK you have the communication to sustain a relationship? No ladies, you don't. Run the other way. If you boned him quick because you're afraid of him losing interest, you gotta go. This was also verified by a bonafide straight man. 

What are your ideas? COMMENT BELOW!

Well If You're Not Carrie.....Then Who the Hell Are You?

Well, I'm not Carrie Bradshaw.

As much as I love Sex and the City, it really got me thinking that there is very little popular media that depicts real women. I mean, let's face it: SATC doesn't represent reality..well, not mine at least.

I devote my life to working with low-income communities.. I'm not really into buying the most expensive clothing. I believe we should live modestly so that others may modestly live. I'm not very materialistic, and I don't have sex with different men every week. In reality..none of my girlfriends/gays do. So where's our niche? Where's our realistic voice?

The idea from this blog came from the notion that there are very few blogs, websites, etc. that truly aim to speak authentically to women (and men folks) about love, life and everything in between. I see there's LOTS of sites on the internet about feeling good, cleansing your chi and every other freaky thing in between, but what about us real folks?Congratulations, this blog is for you.

My friends and family generally enjoy hearing my perspective on life issues. I'm sarcastic, offensive, comedic, and genuine. Welcome to my blog. Let's get started, shall we?